I must be mental.

Today I resign myself to the loss of NaNoWriMo. I have written 23000 words of one novel and it just is not working. I know the idea is to push ahead and get to the parts that work, and I have done that in the past when I thought that it could work, but I have to face up to the fact that I can no longer sit day after day and stare at that particular scrivener project. It is a sad day for me, I do not like to give up, I do not like to lose. Although, whilst I have given up on one novel half way a more confident side of me is whispering, we can still do this.

I had a very strong novel idea for the start of November, which I kicked in for something that I thought would be easier, now 23000 words into that one I am beginning to look back to that first novel and think, that is the one. That is me. I have been lying to myself over 23000 words and that is not okay. Sometimes the words did flow but they never had a sense of rightness to them.

I am a lost writer. I grew up believing that high fantasy would always be my passion but over the last few years I have changed. Those 23000 words were my last chance at reeling back in the spirit of high fantasy, but I pulled out an old boot instead. A worn, shredded old boot that has lost its charm. I am not saying that I dislike high fantasy, I am just saying that I as a writer have evolved from it. It was my springboard into writing, and I do not believe that many writers in this world have stuck with their springboards. The very nature of a springboard is to launch you to another place, the very nature of a writer is to evolve.

I have said before that I am always learning and want to continue to learn. It is why I am pursuing a MA and want to teach. I have never been disillusioned, I have always written because I could not exist any other way, I have never expected anyone else to understand that, to read my work and see it. I have my hopes set on a teaching job that will allow me to exist and to pay the bills.

And so, I have to be true to myself. This year NaNoWriMo has taught me that above all else. The first year I did it I learned that I could, the second year I learned that I could do it and go beyond it, and this year I have learned that it is okay to change what you write - that if you do not roll with the changes you are going to be on the floor days, months later wishing you had. This is not a sad moment for me, I am not giving up I am moving on and starting again, because believe me I am not done trying.

So, to sum up:

- Restarting NaNoWriMo

- Not afraid of change

- Writers are awesome